So...why am I writing tonight? I don't really know...I just have one of those thinking/feeling moods I guess. Even if it has been almost a year since my last entry and years before that.

Do you ever feel like you're the only one in the world who feels alone? Not really alone....I mean I have wonderful children and a magnificent husband.... but I feel...like I am the only one who feels the way I feel. Even if I know it's not true. Like everyone is superior to me, socially, attractively, in how outgoing or funny they are. That they all think I'm awkward. After a happy marriage and two children you'd think this feeling would stay with high school....but they come with you. We just don't talk about them. We bury them and say that only teenagers feel this way. Then, in quiet moments with close girlfriends we all admit that we've felt that way. But publicly we don't want to acknowledge it. We all want to be the strong, popular ones. And even if we are, we never know it. If we do...we feel like we have to keep the real us from shining through to not break the image. Is this a universal thing? Or just a girl thing? Or a seasonal depression thing? Hormones? Or is it just because I'm listening to Lisa Loeb tonight? No one knows. And then, when I'm no longer feeling this way...I'll forget about it all any way. Strange.

So...marriage at 20, a daughter at 21, a son at 22. As much as my goals and dreams are coming true...some of them are a little faster than I'd anticipated. I wish life would slow down as much as I wish it would speed up. Just so Steve and I can relate to someone. Who else do we personally know who has two children, are 23 and 24 years old, and have no education except for a high school diploma and are going to school? No one else I am friends with is in that specific situation. First of all, most people that we personally know that have two children are about five years older than us. Not that it should make a huge difference but at least I feel that they had a little more time to live first...to prepare. Secondly, most of them are in medical school, and even more in residency. So they have some money. The people that are our age that we know, they also have degrees already. And most of them are just having their first child. Why was my life chosen to move this fast? I know people who are ten to twenty years older who had a family as fast as Steve and I, and even without a degree. But no one else my age, today, seems to do that any more. It feels individual. Alone. And people from high school wonder why I got married and had children so fast. As if it was a mistake. But it was quite intentional. Atleast, most of it.

So...I can't help that I'm now in this position. That facts been made known by countless quotes. But...I can decide how to deal with it. How do I? Take a day at a time, a breathe at a time. Every day I'm not sure if I can do it. But my kids are still alive, my house is still here, and my husband still loves me. I also have great GPA and great standing with work, even if my house isn't always spotless. Dinner gets made. I guess somehow I manage. Even if I feel like I can't. So those people I think up in my head that judge me for where I am at in life, or are better than me....does it matter? I'm in a tough position, and I'm surviving. When I come out on the other side I just hope I'm stronger. I see myself mature from my difficulties, but emotionally I still feel so weak. Is that a strength? I guess it can be, as a mother. As long as Steve sticks around to be my knight in shining armor. I think I'll be okay. I think the day I'm strong is the day my children are in my position, and I give them good advice. Then I'll realize I've come through it too. That I'm okay. I always was. And I am.